No Television For a Year

No. I haven’t watched tv. I have watched a few movies, but have stayed away from the telly tube.  There have been awkward moments at friend’s houses. And I’ve taken up clog dancing.

I’ve been in a relationship for a little while now. Not long for some, but pretty long for me. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to share my view of love, committment, and all of that codependent shit. Don’t be mislead by the expletive, in no way do I think love is shit!

A religious friend of mine was telling me her version of the creation story one afternoon and basically what happened was this: God made Adam a wife becuase, “It was not good for man to be alone.”

Obviously God doesn’t love women. Because while it might do a man good to have someone around to clean, remind him of important dates like his mom’s birthday, cook nice things, and make him generally feel like an important human being…what do we do for them?

I think it’s intersting that God didn’t say, “It’s not good for people to be alone.” He probably thought, “Well women will be okay by themselves, it’s the stupid ass men that I’m worried about.”

Not that men are stupid…although most TV shows would have you believe that. Have you ever seen Everybody Loves Raymond? They should rename that series to Here’s Why You Should Loathe Every Man: Because They Fuck Things Up.

Even I would find myself thinking, “Dammit Raymond..,” I’m not sure why the wife woman didn’t just divorce him. His brother is the perfect example of why men shouldn’t be alone. No one looked quite more pathetic -even his voice sounded sad- than him.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

It’s been awhile. I must start off with a confession. There were two times that my eyes beheld the glory of the idiot box. Neither were in my own home (or in anyone’s home as a matter of fact).

A friend of mine plays rugby, a sport that results in more injuries than football and needed a “mate” to accompany him to have his armcast removed. While in the waiting station at the hospital, there was a TV playing. It wasn’t the usual endless loop of nutritional information stating why leafy greens are so wonderful for you, it was actual, live TV.

But in my defense, what could I do? Jeopardy was on and there was no volume, so everyone in the room was becoming dumber by the second. That’s what happens when you can only read the question and not see the ansewr. I could feel a collective sense of self esteem’s dropping as answer after answer was mouthed by the contestants…I nodded every now and then like I’d known the answer or could read lips.

What a dumb channel to have on.

The second err was at a bar. Last weekend another friend of mine ( I have so many friends) went out to eat at a nice place without reservations, of course. We ended up at the bar waiting for a table for twenty minutes. Two beers and a mei tai later, I’d seen the evening news (again, no volume) and many commercials.

I realized something. I have no idea what movies are coming out because they are, for the most part, all advertised on TV. This disturbs me more than not knowing what is on the news.

I also realized how much I missed my local newscaster’s faces. I almost said aloud “Oh I remember you!”

I will do my best to make sure that these blunders do not happen again.

It’s almost been a whole month. I never would have thought I’d be able to take it this far. Most of my friends and family still don’t know what I’m attempting. I did tell my mom though, and it went exactly how I predicted.

Me: Mom, I’m not watching TV for a year (I didn’t say this out of nowhere, it was in context of her asking me if I’d seen a particular show)

Mom: What? Why? No TV?

Me: Oh, I’m just trying to wean myself. I’m pretty sure I’m addicted.

Mom: (Perhaps feeling some sort of guilt) Not even on the weekends? Doesn’t TV Help you relax?

Me: No, not even the weekends. Are you hungry? (Trying to change the subject)

Mom: What will you do instead?

Me: Start serial killing, I don’t know mom, maybe talk to people, like on the phone.

Mom: *silence*

She called me on her way home to ask me about why I wan’t watching TV again and if my “littl game” applied to when  I was at my parents house.

I feel bad that I’m missing American Idol.  It makes you wonder how someone’s family can hate them so much that they’d let them sing horribly on national television. It was probably their mom’s fault.

Yes, I’m still alive. No, I haven’t watched TV. I heard somewhere that if you do something for three weeks, it becomes a habit and changes your life. Not watching TV has changed my life, but it is still, even after all this time, very hard to get used to. One interesting thing is that I don’t find myself just sitting and staring anymore. I fill my tv-less time with work, emails, catching up with friends, etc…Heroes is on tonight and I wish I could watch it.

I know I need to stop complaining at some point. But isn’t that what this whole blog is about? Oh you thought that a lack of television would leave me enlightened? Maybe in a few months, but right now, I’m still in Bitterland for the most part. I took a friend’s advice and started listening to the radio now. Did you know that tv shows advertise in the radio?

I also picked up the LA Times and Jack Bauer (who cares what his real name is) was on the front page of the Calendar section. There is nothing else going on in Los Angeles this weekend? The writers couldn’t think of anything important to cover except what is new on 24? CEO’s aren’t stealing, baby’s aren’t starving, cars aren’t blowing up?

I think we all need to get our priorities straight.

I’ve been staying up pretty late this week to catch up on work so lately I’ve been in somewhat of a sleep-drunk fog. I know I’ve said and done things that I’ll regret later. Have you ever been so tired that your face hurt?

One thing that is going to be difficult (like a friend pointed out below somewhere) is explaining to people why I can’t movies or TV when I go to their places. What am I supposed to say? “Oh you want to watch SNL? Okay, I’ll be in the bathroom for the next hour.” Or “excuse me while I take out your trash and then hide in my car”.

I know what you’re thinking, “Just tell them about this,” right? That is horrible advice. Why would you even suggest that.

You know what I don’t miss?

I don’t miss the fact that I dont know about the high speed chase on the 405 fwy involving three teenagers, a bald chicken, and a stolen purse is fine by me. I always wondered how television executives lived with themselves when labeling that kind of garbage news. Unless I’m on the 405 (which I couldn’t be if I’m watching from home unless I have a TV in my car and that is really dangerous), how would that info be vital to me?

News is such a generous term for most of what the networks air. I’ve decided to give some examples..guidelines of sorts to help those in charge of distinguishing what is newsworthy and what isn’t.

News:

Civil Wars
El Nino
Sports Reports
Plaugues
Presidential Elections
Ebola Outbreaks
Bird Flu Outbreak
Mass Power Outage (but then TV wouldn’t work)
Food Shortages
Escaped inmates

Not News

Anything Nicole Richie, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, or Britney Spears does
500 lb cats
Reports that caffeine is good for you
Reports that caffeine is bad for you
Grand openings of Walmarts
Movie openings and box office stats
Reports of the President’s whereabouts unless it has to do with a war (ie. not fishing or hunting trips)
Health and Beauty tips

There you have it reporters and editors. I hope this gives you an idea of the type of news I’d like and would be furious if I saw in 2008.

I think I need new friends. Maybe my tv watching supplemented the quality of my friendships because ever since I’ve gone without it, I’ve noticed that some of my friends are annoying. Or maybe I’m more sensitive. Yesterday:

Me: Hey! How are you? Do you wanna hit up 711 later and get a couple of slushies?

Friend: For sure. This time it’s on me.

Me: Tight. So what’s new?

Friend: Well, I met someone.

Me: Oh fe sho? (Okay, I said, “Really?”)

Friend: Yes. She’s amazing.

*pause*

Amazing. What the hell does that mean. It is becoming more and more common for people to use that blank word as a description for their newest infatuation. Doesn’t it seem as though you should have more to say than “amazing” to describe the person who you like a lot, may love, could possibly reproduce with, and will probably be buried next to? What’s so amazing? Does she know magic? So then, sparks fly out of a little wand, right? David Blaine is amazing, okay? I’d be surprised if she were above average. She might be “really cool” or “so darn pretty”, but let’s stay on earth and use big boy adjectives.

You know what I hear when someone describes their new love interest as “amazing”? I hear, “Well, I don’t know enough about this person to come up with a concrete reason why I should like or dislike him/her so I’ll just use a word commonly reserved for sushi and circus acts and hope that you buy it.” I’m not buying it.

Let me provide a list of positive descriptive language that is more appropriate. Feel free to choose one and use it as a substitue the next time you are tempted to use the a-word.

A-word substitutions: cool, nice, friendly, sexy, sweet, freaky (I don’t judge), rich, funny- wait Hilarious!, STD-free, out-of-debt, on parole, talkative, artistic, athletic…I’ll add more as they come to me.

14 perfectly good alternatives for all of you “amazing”-freaks. I don’t want to hear that usage again.

*unpause*

Me: Amazing, huh?

Friend: What. Why do you always do that?

What: ??????????

Friend: You know, your attitude is probably why you haven’t met anyone. I’m not thirsty anymore. We’ll talk later.

My friends suck.

Part of me feels healthier like a person on an all grass diet. My body feels cleansed, but not satisfied. Sunday night is usually my adult cartoon night- not for porn, you sickos, for Family Guy, the Simpsons, and sometimes American Dad. I zone out of politically incorrect potty humor for at least a few hours before heading to bed.

I took a walk in a nearby park on Saturday. That was nice.

Friday night without sitcoms, German beer and pizza. Scrabble anyone? I’ll be taking an IQ Test in a few days so I can compare my intellect now (low) to my IQ when this whole thing is over. Stay tuned. Get it? “Stay tuned”?Hahahahahahahaahahah! I’m losing it.